How Can I Talk to My Kids About Their Worries?
Sometimes our kids tell us what's troubling them. Other times they struggle with their concerns in secret. We may only recognize that they are worried by observing their body language or noticing some other change in behavior. Once we realize that our kids are grappling with a dilemma or harboring a fear, it may not be easy to get them to express what's on their minds. Kids sometimes have difficulty putting their concerns into words or think their fears will be dismissed as silly.
The letters Highlights magazine receives from children provide valuable insights into kids' inner lives. One of these letters prompted us to share some thoughts on how parents can help children cope with their worries. In the April issue of Highlights, a girl writes, "I worry way too much about things that I have done. Can you help?"
Kids may hold themselves responsible for events over which they have no control. It takes years for children to develop an accurate sense of how their words and actions actually impact others. Since children interpret situations differently than adults do, they may fear they've played a part in triggering a family illness or their parents' arguments. At times they feel powerless, and other times they have an exaggerated view of their influence.
How can you help? As always, listen to what your child has to say, and discover if there are nagging concerns that are based on misconceptions or erroneous beliefs. Explore ways of reassuring your child by setting the record straight. Active, sensitive listening means asking non-threatening questions and never making fun of the answers. There's a fine distinction between encouraging kids to relate their concerns and not planting new ones. Try not to put words in your child's mouth, but rather let your child say what he needs to say, in his own way, checking regularly to make sure you've understood.
You can also encourage your kids to develop their own productive strategies for handling worries. Expressing feelings in writing, art, or music; talking to friends; and approaching worries as problem-solving challenges can be effective ways to cope. As a parent, keep the lines of communication open by being a supportive listener and a source of accurate information. Also, encourage your kids to develop constructive ways to express, transcend, and at times even learn from their worries!