When Is It Tattling? When Is It Informing?

Here are 4 questions to help you make this important distinction and decide what to do.

We encourage our kids to tell us what's going on in their lives, and yet we don't want them to be "snitches" or "tattletales." It's not always easy to understand the difference. How should we react?

Here are 4 questions to help guide your response. See how they apply to the real-life situations we've presented.

If your child comes to you with information about others, you can ask yourself:

  • Why is my child telling me this?
  • What are the possible consequences of what I've been told?
  • What am I conveying to my child about how I handle problems?
  • What else do I know about the situation that can inform my response?

See how the questions apply to these situations, and think about how you'd handle each one.

"I'm telling on you!" Four-year-old Justin is always quick to inform you if his older brother uses a forbidden curse word.

Suggestion: Explain to Justin that while you agree that his brother shouldn't be using such words, it's not his job to tell you.

Why: Young kids tend be strict about rules, especially as they apply to their siblings. In this case, it's more important to encourage harmony between the boys than respond in a situation where nobody's been physically or emotionally injured.

Your eight-year-old says, "Matthew pushed me in school again today. He says that if I tell the teacher, he's going to get his friends to punch me during recess."

Suggestion: Speak to the teacher about the bullying. Let your son know that you're glad he told you, empathize with his situation, and tell him that bullying is unacceptable. Discuss strategies for handling bullies.

Why: It's important for parents and school staff to collaborate to stop bullying as soon as it starts. Kids need to know that you take this seriously and that the adults are there to help. Always encourage children to report situations where anyone has been physically or emotionally hurt or threatened.

At her birthday party, Madison, your six-year-old, informs you that her cousin Molly has taken an extra piece of pizza. She says it's not fair, and that Molly should be given a time out.

Suggestion: Remind your daughter that the goal of a party is to share and have fun. Ask her why she's so upset, since there was plenty of pizza to go around.

Why: It appears that you've been drawn into a squabble between kids that has little to do with pizza or even fairness. Talking together may help both of you understand the root cause of her anger.

Your daughter, age 11, says, "Sophie told everybody to stop being friends with Amanda. Amanda was crying in the bathroom today and said nobody is talking to her."

Suggestion: Thank your daughter for letting you know what happened. Talk to your daughter about how she and her friends can stand by Amanda and find ways to confront Sophie.

Why: Children need to know they can discuss difficult situations with their parents. Being called names or ostracized is painful. If in talking to other parents or teachers you find that the mean behavior is ongoing, discuss ways parents or the school can step in. Friends can play an important role in informing grown-ups of what's going on "under the radar screen" of adult awareness.

"Grandma told me that she quit taking her medicine. She doesn't want you to know."

Suggestion: Thank your son for his concern, and let him know that you'll speak to Grandma. Then give Grandma an opportunity to discuss with you her feelings about taking medicine.

Why: It's very possible that Grandma wants to be found out. When people confide in others about things that are dangerous to themselves, there's often a wish to be helped.

Your ten-year-old son tells you, "The coach always picks on Ryan. Today the coach said that Ryan is a lazy slob and doesn't deserve to play."

Suggestion: Tell your son that you're glad he told you what happened, and speak to Ryan's parents and those in charge of the team.

Why: Your son is justifiably distressed by the way the coach is speaking to this teammate and concerned both about Ryan and the group. He wants to know whether you think this is par for the course or inappropriate. As you learn more about what's going on, you can decide how to tackle the coach's behavior. Kids can't confront adults in authority and need to know that their parents will step in when necessary.

"Guess what Brian is doing?" Your older daughter reports that one of her younger twin siblings is hitting the other with a plastic bottle.

Suggestion: Thank your daughter for letting you know, and then break up the battle. Work on helping the twins learn to handle their disagreements with words.

Why: It's important to intervene when kids are acting out physically—to prevent possible injury, set limits, and help kids learn better ways to handle conflicts.

Your seven-year-old daughter reports, "Hannah and Michelle took gum from the store without paying. They said that if I tell on them, they'll never talk to me again."

Suggestion: Tell your daughter that you're glad she didn't join her friends in doing something that was wrong. If you're comfortable speaking to your daughter's friends' parents, let them know what's up. Help your daughter figure out what to do if the situation comes up again.

Why: Kids this age experiment with off-limits behavior, and it's a good idea to remind them what is and isn't acceptable. Your daughter may be looking for support for not going along with her friends.

Your middle-school son confides, "The new girl, Samantha, didn't get on the school bus today. She was talking to a high school boy, and he gave her a ride home."

Suggestion: Kids don't always have the full picture, and the older boy may have been Samantha's big brother. However, it makes sense to follow up with a call to make sure Samantha is OK.

Why: Your son correctly senses that there's something potentially dangerous going on. Kids often look for adult guidance in making sense of unsettling observations or incomplete information.

As the above examples suggest, it's best to encourage kids to tell you what's going on rather than withhold information. That way you have the option of deciding what to do.