Parents’ Poll: Coping With Bullies

How You Handle Bullying: Here's What You Told Us

Bullying is clearly a huge problem. Almost 90% of those who answered our poll said your kids had been the targets of bullying. Two out of three respondents said your kids had reported witnessing bullying. And almost a third of you believe that your kids have bullied others. The majority of you said that schools aren't doing enough and that you're dissatisfied with how other parents in your community handle bullying.

1. Has your child ever been the target of bullying? Yes — 89% No — 11%

2. Do you believe your child has ever engaged in bullying? Yes — 29% No — 71%

3. Has your child told you about witnessing bullying? Yes — 69% No — 31%

4. How do you feel about the way your child's school handles bullying? I approve — 40% It's not enough — 60%

5. How do you feel about the way other parents in your community handle bullying? Not OK — 73% OK — 27%

Here are some of the important questions you raised:

• Is it bullying when one kid rolls his eyes at another child's comments and engages in teasing, name-calling, or exclusion?
• Is a bossy friend a bully?
• Is it bullying when a child pressures another to join in behavior that's mean or harmful?
• Is it appropriate for a parent to confront a child bully?
• How can parents effectively talk to the parents of bullies?
• Is it ever OK to tell your child to hit back?
• When should kids be encouraged to handle situations themselves, and when should they go to the teacher?
• What verbal strategies can kids use to deflect bullying?
• How can kids witnessing bullying intervene without becoming targets?

To read what Dr. Peter Sheras, Dr. Karen Siris, and Kristie Pattison had to say about these questions, go to: Three Experts Answer Your Questions About Bullying.

Here are some strategies you shared for effective ways to handle bullying:

• It seems to help to confront the bully yourself. It might not sit well with the bully's parents, but I have not found a better way.
• We ended up taking our daughter out of school and putting her in an online-charter school because the school didn't stop the harassment she received from older boys.
• Talk to your child about why another child might feel as if they have to bully. In my daughter's case, the two bullies were extremely jealous of her friendship with a new student. My daughter was able to see it really wasn't about her.
• We tell our children that bullies are very insecure, and the only way they have of being noticed is to bully. We ask our children if, when they see a bully, they think he is doing it because he is unpopular. We ask them to try to strike up some communication with the bully and maybe try to understand where the actions are coming from.
• I have been on both sides of this. It works and the parents are happy if you bring the bullying to their attention.
• There is a book called Bullies to Buddies by Izzy Kalman that really helped my kids understand bullying and human behavior. I would highly recommend it to anyone whose child is having problems with bullying, whether physical or verbal.
• Encourage your children to talk to you! Let them know that telling you what they're unhappy or upset about is not "tattling."
• My daughter's bully was in choir with her. She "bumped" my daughter often (the bumps were actually pushes and smacks—it was awful), especially during performances. My daughter complained all year, so before the final spring concert, I told her to very clearly tell the girl before they went onstage to be very careful because my daughter and all the kids in that section had agreed that if there was any sneaky pushing, they were all going to help each other keep the bully in line. The bully was ramrod straight during the entire performance!
• I help my child develop and practice responses. He has a variety of rehearsed lines to say and actions to take. He tells us if the lines help or not, and we give support.
• Tell the principal. Most teachers don't see the problem or don't want to deal with it. Have the principal talk to the bully. If that doesn't work, call the superintendent. Document all interactions. You may need them later.

Here's how some of you handled the situation when your child was bullied:

• We instructed our child to stay away from the bully regardless of the situation and to always make a teacher aware of an issue.
• We informed the teacher and asked for seat-assignment changes in the classroom and on the bus.
• I notified the bully's parents in person, I notified the principal in person, and I notified the teacher in person. Then I followed up with a letter to each adult documenting our initial conversations.
• It was verbal bullying. I taught her to say "(Person's name), that is mean. Why are you being so mean?"
• I had my child keep a journal listing dates, times, places, witnesses, locations, and what occurred.
• I called the school and eventually the police and removed my child from the school.
• I worked with my daughter and the school counselor to give her the resources she needed to handle the problem.
• I got involved in our community with a forum on bullying.

Here's how some of you handled the situation when your child was bullying others:

• We had a long talk and followed it up by grounding our child for a week and insisting that he offer a formal personal apology to both parent and child.
• My daughter was bullying her best friend. I was pleased when the mother called and told me. We were able to deal with it immediately. The girls worked it out, and they are still best friends.
• My child now goes to a counselor weekly.
• My son has now seen repeatedly that those causing the problem are not dealt with, so out of frustration and anger, he's acted the same way (not so much with the bullying, just with being mean, short-tempered, and having no tolerance). I remind him of how he feels when kids mistreat him. Unfortunately, I think too much damage has been done, so this approach isn't working so well anymore.
• Our son was bullying his younger brother. I taught him that pushing his brother's buttons was a form of bullying. It is not a form of fun play, and it is not acceptable.

Here's what some of you do when your child witnesses bullying:

• I told her to intervene if possible or tell a grown-up.
• I told him to stick by his innocent friends but not to engage the bully.
• I explained to her that she needs to tell the teacher to stop the bully.
• I taught her how to use her words to support the child being bullied. She tells them to leave that other person alone!
• My grandchild decided to befriend the person who was being bullied and got them away from the bully.
• I congratulated him for standing up for his friend and saying something to the bully.
• He will not let it happen. He calls the bully a punk, and the bully usually backs down.

Here are some of your comments on how your child's schools handle bullying:

• The school can only do so much. Seventy-five percent is the parents' part, and 25% is the teachers' part.
• The school does not recognize bullying in some kids. As a result, others pay a big price.
• The elementary school in our area handles it very well, but the middle school won't even stop it when it's sexual in nature, so I had to remove my eldest from the school.
• Since my daughter has special needs (cerebral palsy, wears a brace, eats via G-tube, etc.), I do worry about bullying.
• One public school handled it very well. However, the private school, dependent on tuition payments, did not seem to want to anger the parents, fearing they might pull their child from the school.
• The school is very open and invites parents to talk with the teachers about problems. They try to work with the children to handle their own problems. Sometimes I would like more teacher involvement in a situation.
• Their policies and procedures are so outdated. They don't apply to today's generation.
• Zero tolerance.
• There are just not enough pairs of eyes out on the playground when more than 150 kids are in the playground area at the same time.
• Too many times, the response from teachers is "kids will be kids" or "I have too much to do already in covering the academics. I don't have time to deal with this."
• Our school has a bully-awareness program. It seems to work pretty well. I have not been aware of any problems that went beyond minor issues.
• My daughter's self-esteem and depression escalated to a sad point, and it should have never been that way.
• My son was told he needed to grow thicker skin. My son himself recognizes that as he gets older, the bullying gets worse, and it started in first grade.
• We have wonderful and loving preschool teachers that do not tolerate any physical bullying, but sometimes the mental bullying slips by. I think they should have a session once a month on not being mean, just like they do for manners.

Here are some of your comments on how other parents in your community handle bullying:

• Many parents are in denial about their children's behavior, which further enables their kids to act out of line.
• Where we live, if you talk to other people about the way some kids bully others, you will hear, "We did the same thing growing up" or "It'll make them tough."
• Each parent handles it differently. Most seem to understand.
• Many parents assume that because it's an affluent community with good schools, bullying could not be going on at our school. They're wrong. They do not watch their children in action, and they don't punish their children for bullying.
• No one seems to care about anything. It definitely isn't like when I was younger and you knew that Mr. or Mrs. ______ was watching you, just like your mom did.
• It is a part of growing up. The growing-up part is how to deal with it effectively.
• I do notice that the bully's parents do not recognize that their own child is the bully and believe it is always someone else.
• Unfortunately, often bullying is a learned behavior, and the bully's parents either don't want to see that their child is a bully or are bullies themselves and think the behavior is OK.
• While the other parents are well-meaning, no one really steps in and says, "We as a community are not going to tolerate this and let it happen." The other parents often don't want to rock the boat, which inadvertently emboldens the bully.
• This is a very "football-minded" town. If your son isn't into football, he's basically looked down upon as not being tough, normal, etc. Parents in town either totally ignore their kids' behavior, threaten to "tear them up," or medicate them. Many parents have a competitive spirit and chalk their child's behavior up to a competitive nature.
• Most parents reason this will help them deal with the real world when they grow up. Actually, it is raising a culture of undisciplined, hurtful kids that will take these habits into adulthood, marriage, and parenthood.
• Some people in this elementary school have had their children come home with marks, scratches, and bruises from the same bully and have not even COMPLAINED or talked to the teacher! It is crazy when you start asking others who have the same worries and concerns that you do but who don't do a thing about it!
• I've seen several parents look the other way when their kids aren't involved. People need to take a more active role in their children's lives and take more responsibility for how their kids behave instead of saying "not my kid."